Number 18: I Tried Kundalini Yoga

I arrived early. I always arrive early.

A couple of girlfriends suggested I try Kundalini Yoga. One of them channels dead people and the other talks to a tree named Albert. So I agreed.

I have done yoga off and on for the past few years so figured I would add Kundalini Yoga to my 30 things to try in 30 days list this month. 

My two girlfriends claim Kundalini Yoga has magical powers that will change your life, heal your soul, and manifest anything you want in life. Sold.

I found my way up the stairs and into the long hallway. She was standing by the door to the yoga room.

The Instructor.

I could tell she was the instructor because 1) she was covered with white flowing fabrics like she just floated down from heaven or got tangled up in a huge curtain and 2) She got rid of ghosts for me one time. 

I met Narinder a couple of years ago when I was having some ghost problems in an old bar I own in Atlanta. My partner who runs the place told me he had been hearing spooky noises late at night after the bar closed. Spooky is a fun word. If I have a kid I would name him Spooky Humphreys. 

So, like a professional businessman, I called my friend who channels dead people who called her friend who tells dead people to go away. Narinder. 

I let her in the bar one Sunday afternoon to assess the situation. She wandered around the space for a little while and then told me she saw a tall man behind the bar, a young screaming girl in the bathroom, and an old drunk lady in the corner.  

They are gone now.

As people started filing in the yoga room I began to realize this was not going to be a typical yoga class. People were making tea and I was the only person wearing Lulu Lemon.

The girl in front of me rolled out a bear rug and the girl next to her had a goat hide. The white bearded guy next to me wore white pants, a white shirt, and a white turban. He was also white.

There were also folks wearing clothing like you see on dirty backpackers traveling in Southeast Asia.

What is Kundalini Yoga? In short, Kundalini Yoga started a billion years ago in India or some place and was brought to the United States by some fella named Yogi Bhajan in 1969. He landed in California (shocker) and began teaching. He wrote, “I am sharing these teachings to create a science of the Total Self…it is the birthright of every human being to be healthy, happy and holy”.

From what I gather from a short-lived Google search, I think it involves moving energy and connecting to God. 

If you are really interested in scrambling your brain read this mess:

The theme of our class was “The Arc Body” which is apparently one of our ten bodies. I was already lost.

Narinder talked about how we all have an energy arc that goes from one shoulder, over the head, and to the other. It is like your personal energy space. She also said women have an energy arc that goes from nipple to nipple. I sat quietly in the back trying not to look at any of the women. Or their nipple arcs.

We started by chanting “Ong Namo, Guru Dev Namo” which means “I call upon my own inner guidance, the teacher within me.” Clearly, I had no idea what the words were so I just mumbled along as the room started to roar. This lasted about 10 minutes. Next, we did breath of fire exercises where you breathe quickly in and out of your nose like a pissed off racehorse.

The meat of the class was what felt like 14 straight hours of thrusting our hands over our heads in a scooping motion to clear our arcs. My shoulders were burning and I keep wondering when we would stop. I also wondered how we would clear the nipple arcs.

After about 45 minutes of a few more bizarre movements, we got to lay down in Shavasana, the corpse pose. Fittingly.

Shavasana is the best yoga position in the world. I am very good at it. You just lay there. My face was tingly and my body radiating. She dimmed the lights as we closed our eyes. Then she started singing. I swear to God she sounded like an Angel. Or Sarah McLaughlin. Or maybe it was Sarah McLaughlin. Or Maybe Sarah is an Angel. Poor dogs.  

We laid there for about 15 minutes completely yoga stoned. It was pure bliss. My mind was quiet and body completely relaxed. If only I could get to this state more often in life. Guess that is the whole point. 

She rallied us back to life to finish the class and we sang another mantra that went on forever.

By this time my soul was hovering above my body.

The class ended with an inspirational pow wow and I thanked Narinder for a great class.

She told me to try four classes before I decide if I like it. Make sure you try it four times and then tell me how you feel, she said.

I will be back next week.


Info on classes: