Number 21: Tried Acupuncture, Got Stuck

I hate needles.

I am a grown man that gets nauseous at the sight of needles. I have no idea how heroin addicts stick needles between their toes and in their gums with zero training high on Diet Pepsi and used cigarettes. I also don’t know how they make $200 a day to support their habit when they live in a trashcan.  

Number 21: Try acupuncture.

My woo woo friend Kelley took me to a group acupuncture place today. There were four people in the room all laid up on loungers waiting for the goods. There was also a bucket of needles.

The acupuncturist asked me what issues I was having. I said I need to make more money. She said no problem. Then she took my blood pressure and said stick out your tongue.

Apparently, acupuncture does something to the meridian energy lines in your body. It also draws attention to the very spot where the needle goes into the body releasing white blood cells or something that strengthens the immune system. I figure since they do it in China or wherever it is from, it must be legit. I just want to be rich.

I was the 3rd person to get the needles. I overheard one girl said she was having migraines and the other said she was feeling tired lately. There was a dude in the far corner who looked like a serial killer.

She took an alcohol swab and cleaned off various spots on my body. I could feel my heart racing and was praying I didn’t lock up and pass out with the first needle.  

I once passed out in a Doctor’s office. Fell slap out of the chair like a wet noodle. I was 34, blacked out, and laying on the floor.

The feet.

Ol’ girl hammered one in my right foot. She put in the needle then tapped on it like a carpenter building a house with dull nails and a shovel. You can feel it for a hot minute then it goes away. She then hammered in 12 more around my body including three in my left ear and one in my forehead. Pressure points for getting rich I guess.

I sat paralyzed for the next 40 minutes. I was terrified of moving thinking it would shift the needles which would then lodge directly into my heart or eyeballs. What happens if one falls out? Or flies across the room? Or slams it into my femur severing my carotid artery?

I could feel my hand and leg throbbing where two of the needles were stuck. I guess it was working. Or there were just needles sticking in my skin.

I was about 10 minutes into my session when it happened.

The worst thing that can possibly happen during acupuncture struck me like all hell fire.  

My face itched.

I had 30 more minutes. Clearly, I couldn’t move my body or all those needles would go flying all over the place and eventually into my eyeballs and heart. Plus, I had three needles in each hand so there was no moving those bastards.

Stranded. Hopeless. Itchy.

30 minutes later the gal came back in and removed all the needles. I scratched my face.

Overall, I think acupuncture might work. I asked her what most people do it for and she said mainly pain reduction. Migraines and what not. And to be rich, I guess.  

After the acupuncture, we went over to sound bath class (number 1 on the list). Some girl with an amazing smile and hippy pants played ceramic bowls for 40 minutes. It was boring. I went and got coffee after.




Trey HumphreysComment